Starless
by mybeautifuldemon
Summary: How does Elliot cope with losing someone dear to him? This is my first fic so let me know what I need to do to make it better. Please review! Rating for language.
1. Welcome To The Party

"Put the gun down!" Detective Elliot Stabler yelled. Jimmy Cruz, a serial rapist and murderer, just smiled and held his own gun, pointed at Elliot.

"Put the damn gun down!" He yelled again.

"Jimmy, do what he says." Michael Cruz, Jimmy's younger and wiserbrother, pleaded.

Elliot's hands were shaking uncontrollably. He knew what this man was capable of. He couldn't take the chance to kill him, that would put his job in jeopardy. But if Jimmy gave him a reason to he would shoot him.

"Relax Michael. This cop don't have the balls to shoot nobody."

Right then Olivia Benson, Elliot's partner of five years, ran into the room. Her eyes went automatically to the gun pointed at her partner.

"Welcome to the party Detective."

Jimmy rounded to Olivia. Elliot saw his trigger finger tighten. On instinct, Elliot squeezed off a round into Cruz's shoulder, causing the rapist to fall backwards. Olivia ran over to restrain Michael and Elliot went toJimmy knowing that he wasn't dead.

_**ONE MONTH LATER**_

"Has the jury reached its verdict?"

"Yes we have your honor."

Detective Stabler was on the verge of explosion from anxiety.

"We find the defendant, Jim Miguel Cruz... guilty.

Elliot let out his breath that hehadn't noticed he was holding.

As the court officers were escorting Cruz out he yelled across the room, "You're sending my brother and me to our death Detective Stabler. We have friends. If you don't expect us to get back, you're a fool." He left the court laughing like a maniac.

* * *

"What the hell was that about?" Olivia asked when they were outside the courthouse.

"Who knows, but I'm not gonna worry about it and you shouldn't either." Elliot assured her.

Olivia had been Elliot's partner for forever it seemed like to him. She knew what he was feeling and thinking without him saying anything. She was there for him through the good and all the shit they go through together. He doesn't really have a choice, there's Munch and Fin. And well that's self-explanatory. He could talk to his wife, Kathy, but he didn't want her to live or even think about what he has to deal with every day. So he turns to Olivia. She knows what he goes through and what he feels because she's been there. Sure his wife gets jealous sometimes but he has to talk to somebody.

He's always had feelings for Olivia but he didn't know what it was. She was more than a friend that's for sure but he didn't love her, he loved Kathy.

"Hey! Hello? Earth to Elliot!"

"Whoa... hey sorry."

"You alright?"

"Yea I was just thinkin about something."

"Ok ... so are you gonna get in or are we just gonna stand here?"

He hadn't realized they were standing in front of the car. He just shook his head and got in the driver's seat.


	2. Daughter Issues

IN THE SQUAD ROOM 

"You know I've heard somewhere that men who have been neglected, if you get what I mean, are easy victims of suicide." Detective John Munch said as he read through a file.

"So are you saying our victim committed suicide because he wasn't gettin enough sex?" Fin questioned.

"Whoa I think we walked in at the wrong time Liv." Elliot teased as he took off his jacket and hung it on the back of his chair.

"Do we really want know what you guys were talking about?" Olivia asked as she sat down at her desk across from Elliot.

"We're talking about a case if you must know and a very weird one at that." Munch snapped.

"Well we'll stay out of your way then." Olivia sarcastically remarked and looked over at her partner and was glad to see him smiling.

Olivia felt sorry for Elliot. They've had some tough cases in the past month meaning Elliot hasn't seen his family as much as he would like too. And well all that she had missed was her favorite TV shows. That was the downside to being single, your not missed when your not home.

She knew that Elliot could take care of himself but what Cruz said in court today scared her. She had feelings for her partner. She always had ever since she walked into the squad room. She didn't know what she would do if something happened to Elliot. She was going to talk to the captain about it after Elliot left.

At five to six, Elliot decided it was time to give up what he was trying to do and go home.

God he missed his home. He hadn't talked to his kids in a month except maybe for five minutes a day not even that. He hadn't held his wife in his arms in forever and now he could finally go home.

When he pulled into his driveway of his Queens house at six thirty one of the two twins ran out of the house.

"Daddy Daddy look what I made you at school today!" Lizzie said as her dad picked her up into his arms. She gave him a picture of their whole family.

"It's beautiful baby. Now let's go inside ok?"

When they walked inside the house they were welcomed by two very shrill female voices screaming at each other.

"Why cant you just leave me alone! I am dealing with it on my own; I don't need anybody's help!"

Elliot put Lizzie down and followed the shouting into the kitchen where he found his sixteen-year-old daughter, Kathleen, and his wife.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he walked over to his daughter, who was crying, and tried to hug her but she pulled away.

"Get away from me."

Elliot backed away from Kathleen, obviously hurt. "What's wrong?" he repeated.

"Kathleen failed two classes, government and math."

"What? I thought you loved government?"

Kathleen rolled her eyes and said, " Are you kidding me! Who are you to lecture me about grades when you're not even around to know that I need help!"

"Honey I'm – "

"No don't even try to say you're sorry!" Kathleen screamed, then she ran up to her room and slammed her door.

Damn, Elliot knew something like this would happen sooner or later.

"Damn I'm sorry Kathy."

"Oh baby its not your fault, she's going through a stage right now." Kathy said as she wrapped her arms around her husband's waist and laid her head against his chest.

Elliot sighed as he held her in his arms. They stayed like that for a couple minutes when Dickie, the second twin, ran into the kitchen.

"Dad can you throw the ball with me?"

"I sure can buddy. Let me change and I'll meet you outside." He kissed his wife on her forehead and went into his and Kathy's room to change.

It was a beautiful evening, perfect for throwing the football around with their son. Kathy Stabler watched as her husband played with her son. She knew there was something wrong at work; she could see it in his piercing blue eyes. She hated it when he was gone a lot. She knew he couldn't help it; he was just doing his job. But if only he didn't have to be partners with Olivia; he would never cheat on her she knew that but he spends so much time with her. She couldn't be jealous though; when he is home he is the perfect husband and father. Sure it sounds crazy but it's the truth.

When they came in Dickie was laughing uncontrollably as he rode on his dad's shoulders.

"I tell you Kath, this boy's gonna be a star!" Elliot said as he sat his son down.

"I believe it!" Kathy laughed. "Now go tell your sisters that dinner is ready and to wash up."

Once Dickie left, Elliot walked over to his wife and planted a passionate kiss on her lips.

"I've missed you so much Kathy." He said as they hugged.

"I've missed you too." She paused. "Do you have to go in tomorrow?" She already knew the answer.

"Yea I do babe but why don't you meet us for lunch?" Oh shit. Now he's said it.

"Us? Meaning you and Olivia?"

"Unless you don't want her too, I mean she doesn't have too."

"No it's fine; as long as I'm with you."

THE VISITING CENTER AT RIKERS 9:00 P.M. 

"I want him to suffer emotionally, Carlos." Jimmy Cruz said to his brother-in-law.

"His wife?" Carlos Garcia suggested.

"His wife." Jimmy said with a smile.


	3. The Beginning of the End

THE NEXT MORNING IN THE SQUAD ROOM 

"You're going to lunch with Kath and me right?" Elliot asked Olivia as he hung up his coat.

"Yea sure I'll go." She responded with a smile. He seems really happy this morning, she thought, he must have had a good time with his family last night. "So did you have a good time with your family?"

"I had a great time … considering Kathleen's pissed off at me." He added with a sigh.

"Why? What happened?"

"She failed math and she blames me because I'm never home to help her."

"But Kathy…"

"Kathy is horrible at math." Elliot said with a small laugh.

"Oh." Olivia laughed.

Elliot went to work on the paperwork he hadn't finished the day before.

Next thing he knew it was one thirty. They were supposed to meet Kathy at Carinos, an Italian restaurant at two. Elliot looked up at his partner who was lost in a file. He noticed at how quiet it was in the squad room, which was very rare. Munch and Fin must have gone to a scene.

"Liv?"

Olivia jumped like she had just come out of a trance.

"Jesus Elliot!" She gasped.

"Wow, sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He said, surprised that he had scared her like that.

"It's… it's fine. I'm just not used to it being so quiet in here."

"Yea it's kinda creepy. So, you ready?"

"Ready? Oh right yea let's go."

At that Elliot started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

Elliot decided it was best to keep his mouth shut and just shook his head still laughing.

Carinos was only five blocks away from the precinct so they decided to walk. Their talk was small, mostly about what they were going to do over their very short Thanksgiving break. As they turned the corner they saw the restaurant and Kathy standing outside. She saw them and waved. Elliot smiled and waved back but his smile disappeared when he heard a shot and saw his wife collapse.

"KATHY!" He screamed and ran over to his wife. He bent down and saw that she had been shot in the throat. He heard somewhere in the distance Olivia calling 911. Elliot grabbed Kathy's shaking hand and held it in his hand.

"Don't leave me baby don't leave me." Elliot begged through his tears.

OLIVIA'S POV 

I am trying so hard not to cry but it's not working. I'm just standing here looking at my partner's life deteriorating. He probably doesn't even want me around. God it's killing me watching Elliot hold his wife in his arms, his shirt getting soaked in her blood.

I watched as Kathy slowly and painfully died. I watched as my partner tried to revive her. I finally put my hand on his shoulder and gently pulled him away just as the paramedics showed up. He was shaking like crazy. I pulled him into my arms and held him while he cried.

ELLIOT'S POV 

I couldn't believe what was happening. It all happened so fast; she was standing there smiling her beautiful smile next thing he knew he was next to her crying holding her blood-covered hands. I remember praying to God that she would be strong enough to make it through. I remember her slowly fading away then he was crying in Olivia's arms. There's no way she could be gone; he didn't believe it.

* * *

They stayed like that until the paramedics asked Elliot to come with them to the hospital to be treated for shock.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Olivia asked.

He looked up into her concerned-filled eyes; his own blue eyes were filled with grief and anger. Just by looking into them she started to tear up. He shook his head very slightly.

"Could you pick up my children and meet me at the precinct?" He asked wearily as he got into the ambulance. Pain filled his eyes as he said this.

Olivia nodded.

**VISITERS CENTER AT RIKERS**

"So did you get her?" Jimmy Cruz anxiously asked.

"Hell yes and I got her good too!" Carlos beamed.

"How?"

"Sniper; bullet to the throat."

"Did he watch her die?"

"Yup and cried like a baby."

AT THE PRECINCT 

Elliot's children were all sitting in Captain Cragen's office. Maureen, nineteen years old, was crying and holding Lizzie. Kathleen was holding Dickie. Olivia was sitting on the corner of the captain's desk looking at the mourning Stabler children. The captain had gone to the hospital to be with Elliot, saying that he shouldn't be alone when he is like this. Olivia agreed with him there; she had seen him angry plenty of times and sad but never at the same time.

About two hours after Olivia picked up the kids Elliot and Cragen walked into the office. Elliot had regained his composure but one could still tell that he had been crying. When they walked in Lizzie, her face tear stained, ran over and gave her father a hug.

"I love you Daddy." Her voice muffled from so much crying and because she had her face in his chest.

At that Elliot's started to swell with tears. "I love you too sweetie."

Dickie got up from Kathleen's lap and walked over to his sister and dad and joined the hug. Maureen and Kathleen followed suit.

Olivia stood looking at Elliot and his children. She knew she wouldn't last long without crying so she walked out into the squad room.

After awhile Kathleen broke away. "What happened?"

"Olivia didn't tell you?"

"All she said was that there was an accident and that our mother was dead."

Elliot sighed. He knew that he would have to tell them sooner or later but he just wasn't ready.

"She… she was shot."

All of his children gasped. He could see the pain and confusion in their eyes.

"Why was Mommy shot?" Lizzie asked.

"I… I don't know hunny." But he did know. That bastard Cruz had something to do with this. "Maureen, would you please come with me?"

They walked out into the squad room where the Captain, Olivia, Munch, and Fin were sitting. They immediately stopped talking as Elliot and Maureen came in.

"Captain is there another room we could use?" Elliot asked, his voice so soft that the Captain had to lean in to hear.

Cragen nodded. "The last one down the hall."

Elliot put his hands on his daughter's shoulders and guided her into the room. She sat down in the straight-backed wooden chairs and Elliot sat across from her. She stared hard at her father trying to make eye contact, but he diverted his eyes.

"What's going on Daddy? And don't you say you don't know because I know you know something."

He sighed and said, " Yesterday I was threatened." _God was it only yesterday?_

"Threatened? By who and why?"

"Jimmy Cruz. He had just been convicted for rape and murder."

"But if he's in jail, then how…"

"He must've had someone do it for him."

Maureen sat there for a minute. "Are you going to do anything about it?"

Elliot looked up into his daughter's blue eyes that were identical to his. They were full of anger now.

"I'll do whatever it takes hunny."

She nodded. She knew her father was good to his word.

"Would you mind taking your brother and sisters home?"

"No not at all."

They both got up and walked back to the squad room. Maureen went into the captain's office to get her siblings. When they came out, they one by one gave their father a hug and said 'I love you'. He hugged them all back and said that he loved them. When they left Elliot flopped down in his chair, sighed, and laid his head on his desk. After five minutes he quickly got up and went to put on his coat.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked, noticing the rage in his eyes.

"To visit someone." He said as he ran out the door.


	4. My Immortal

**RIKERS JAIL 9:30 P.M.**

Elliot walked into the jail. He held up his gold shield to the desk sergeant and said, "I want to talk to Jimmy Cruz…alone."

"Hold on a sec Detective I have to get him."

Elliot stood there, all types of emotions running through him. How the hell could this bastard be so cold? He just didn't understand.

"We're ready Detective."

Elliot followed the officer into a room. When he walked in Jimmy smiled.

"I had a feeling I would be seeing you soon Detective Stabler."

Elliot just stared at him, his now deep blue eyes piercing Jimmy's mud colored eyes.

"I heard about your wife, I am so sorry."

This pissed Elliot off. "You bastard. Don't try that shit on me. You had something to do with this and don't try to lie."

Jimmy laughed. "How could I have a hand in it if I've been in this hellhole all day Detective?"

"I bet if I check the visitors log, you had a visitor this morning."

"You're pretty smart Detective but you'll only see that it was my brother-in-law just checking up on me."

"Bullshit."

"Believe what you want Detective but it's the truth." He said with a smile. "Now excuse me I am missing a very important meeting." He got up and banged on the door signaling to the guard that he was done.

Elliot sat there for a few seconds thinking, then he got up and went back to the precinct.

AT THE PRECINCT 10:45 

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked surprised to see Elliot back. She figured he would be with his children.

"Looking up Jimmy Cruz's brother-in-law."

"Brother-in-law? Why?" she asked confused.

"I think he killed my wife." He said, anger in his voice, as he started typing on his computer.

"Elliot you should really go home. Look at you, your eyes are bloodshot, you need to shave, and you need to be with your children." She saidpractically begging him.

He sighed. He knew she was right but he wanted to get this son of a bitch! But he was tired as hell, so he nodded. He got up and went to his locker.

When he closed the locker, Olivia got up and gave him a hug.

"It's going to be alright Elliot I promise. I am always here for you, you know that don't you?" She said pulling back to look into his pale blue eyes. Everytime she looked into them she would get lost; they had so much depth in them. As she said this, his eyes grew misty.

He nodded. "I know."

"Now go be with your kids."

She gave him another short hug and he walked out of the room. She gave a heavy sigh and sat back down at he desk. What the hell is she going to do? She doesn't know how to handle these situations. She guessed she would have to talk to Huang about it.

As soon as Elliot got in his black Ford Explorer he broke down. He hadn't cried like that since…hell he couldn't even remember. She knew he had to be strong for his kids. They have no mother. He has no wife. He sat there for a while then started the car.

_I'm so tired of beng here  
__Suppressed by all my childish fears  
__And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
Because your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just to real  
There's just to much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I've held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

_You use to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just to real  
There's just so much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
But you still have all of me_

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
And though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
But you still have all of me_

"That was _My Immortal_ by Evanescence." The DJ on the radio announced.

_Oh my God! Screw the radio. _Elliot started crying again. _How was he going to live without her? She was his everything! _The only thing he wanted to do now was get so drunk he wouldn't be able to stand, but he knew he couldn't do that, as much as he wanted too. He sighed and started the drive home.


	5. Musings

A/N: Just to let ya'll know I am not a Catholic although I am a Christian. But if I got somethin wrong let me know.

* * *

When Elliot pulled into his driveway he sat in his car, thinking about what he was going to say. _Ah screw it _he thought after a couple of minutes and got out of his car. He looked at his watch as he walked up to the front door. It was 11:30. He shook his head and walked inside. Maureen was sitting on the couch with Liz's head on her shoulder. He came over and sat down next to his daughters. His movements caused Lizzie to stir then she opened her eyes.

"Hi Daddy." she said, half asleep.

Elliot smiled. "Hey sweetie."

Lizzie yawned and closed her eyes. Elliot stood, picked her up, and carried her to her room.

MAUREEN'S POV

I watch as Daddy carries a little too big Lizzie up the stairs. He doesn't look like the man I know. His normally straight shoulders were now slumped over with fatigue and grief; his eyes were bloodshot from so much crying. Its kind of scary seeing Daddy like this. When he came back down he slumped into a chair.

"How's Dickie and Kathleen?" he asked.

"Dickie is doing fine but…"

"But?"

"I don't know about Kathleen. She didn't say one word on the way back from the city. When we got home she went straight up to her room." I said. I was really concerned, she didn't even cry. That wasn't normal according to the psychology books I had to buy for college. Dad knows this too; he's been around plenty of grieving parents, spouses, and children.

"I'm going to bed Daddy." I said getting up. I go over to him and kiss him on his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too baby girl."

As I start to go upstairs I look back at him. What I see shocks me; my dad looks old. I have never known him to be old. He's actually very young compared to the dads of all my friends; my parents were only eighteen when mom got pregnant with me. But what I see tonight is a man who's lost his wife he loved so deeply.

ELLIOTS POV

I see Maureen looking at me out of the corner of my eye. But I don't pay any attention to her; my thoughts are directed to Kathy. In my mind I see her beautiful smile, I hear her laugh, her eyes always sparkled when she laughed. I get up and go into the kitchen. I don't know why I do this; I guess I'm just trying to find something to do. I walk over to the refrigerator and open it. My eyes settle on the full six-pack of beer. My mind was telling me not to but then again I don't listen to my mind half the time so I grab the six-pack and go back into the living room.

He went over to the stereo, put on a Led Zeppelin CD and sat down on the couch. He opened up the beer and started to chug it like he had done in his high school days. He drank until the beer was gone. _Great now I'll have a hangover _he thought. He started to drift off to sleep, mostly from being drunk, when there was a soft knock on the front door. He got up from the couch and stumbled over to the door. When he opened it, he was face to face with his partner.

"I wanted to check to make sure you were alright." she said when she saw his puzzled look.

Elliot just grunted and let her in.

Olivia could tell he was drunk from the glazed over look in his eyes and from the empty beer bottles on the floor. Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven was playing. She looked over to him, sitting on the armrest of the couch.

"I'm fine Olivia so you can go now." Elliot said after an intense stare down.

"You're drunk Elliot," she said walking over to him, "your wife was just murdered; I wouldn't call that fine."

"Thanks… thanks a lot Liv, you made me feel so much better." Elliot snapped sarcastically and went into the kitchen, Olivia following him. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out another beer. "Want a beer?"

"Elliot seriously put it up."

As to answer her he opened it up and began to chug it down again.

Olivia grunted. "Forget you." She walked out of the kitchen. He heard her open and close the front door. He finished his beer and went back to the living room. He didn't know whether or not to sleep in his and Kathy's…his bedroom. He finally decided to sleep on the couch; the bedroom just had too many memories, good and bad. He looked at his watch; it was 1:00. He sighed and laid down.

He had just gotten to sleep when the phone rang. He let the answering machine get it.

"_Elliot I know you're going through a difficult time, but please don't make the same mistake I did. What I'm trying to say is just to be smart. I want you to take a few weeks off, be with your kids. And Elliot take care of yourself."_

Did the captain not know that he wanted to catch the bastard who killed his wife? But he didn't want to leave the kids, especially Kathleen. I guess I'll ask Maureen in the morning. He fell asleep with Kathy on his mind.

Elliot woke up the next morning with a terrible headache and to the smell of bacon. He looked at his watch; it was 9:00. He got up and walked into the kitchen where his children, all but Kathleen, were eating silently.

"Morning Daddy." Maureen said as she handed him a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon.

"Morning. Where's Kathleen?" he asked as he made some coffee.

"She won't get up. She said that she's not hungry."

Elliot had to talk to her but he had to get ready. He hadn't meant to sleep this late. "I'm a… I'm going into work today." he said breaking the silence.

Maureen looked at him but didn't say anything. Elliot finished his breakfast, thanked Maureen, and went upstairs to take a shower. When he walked into the bedroom, he was met by the sweet smell of Kathy's perfume. _God I've always loved that smell _he thought as he walked into the bathroom.

THE 1-6 PRECINCT 10:00 A.M.

Olivia sat at her desk looking at all the blank paperwork in front of her and thinking about her partner. How could he go home and get drunk when his children were home? He had to look after himself; she had to look after him… if he would just let her.

"Olivia… hey." She snapped back to reality to hear the captain calling to her. "We have a rape-homicide over on Broadway. Take Fin with you."

"Wait Cap'n!"

Olivia and Cragen turned around to see Elliot walking through the squad room doors.

"Elliot what are you doing here? I told you to stay home with your kids."

"Captain I have to get this guy." Elliot said, pain and anger filling his eyes.

"Elliot I understand but you need to be with your kids."

"I can't Captain! Everytime I look at them I see Kathy; I just can't be with them right now."

Cragen sighed. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

Elliot nodded. "Yea I can."

"Ok well we got a rape-homicide on Broadway. You two get over there."

Olivia and Elliot nodded and walked out in silence.

Once in the car he broke the unbearable silence. "Look I'm sorry about being a jerk last night Liv."

Olivia shook her head. "I don't understand how you could do that."

"Do what? Get drunk? If so you really shouldn't be talking." His eyes now glowing with anger.

She paused, thinking about what he had just said. "Screw you!" Her eyes too glowing with anger. She was scared; he could still be drunk. Who knows what he would do when he was drunk and mad.

"You know what screw you; I'm not the one who asked you to come check on me!" he snapped.

"Well excuse me for thinking of you Elliot!"

He glared at her. He knew she was right; in fact he was glad that she had come last night, who knows what he would have done. But who is she to question him getting drunk? Its not like he was going to go on a drunken rampage.

Olivia glared back at him. She couldn't believe he had said that to her about being drunk. He knew about her past and her mother. Why was he being such an ass? She knew it had to be tough on him but still…

Elliot was brought back to reality by honking horns and insults. The traffic light had turned green. He took a right onto Broadway. When Elliot had turned the car off he said, "We'll talk about this later," and got out, his face still fuming.

Two hours later Elliot and Olivia walked back into the precinct. They hadn't talked to each other unless their job needed them to and when they did talk they couldn't agree on anything. The captain started to notice something around 1:30. His two best detectives were arguing, really arguing, over what to have for lunch.

"That's it, you two in my office now." he said after a good fifteen minutes of bickering of whether or not to have Chinese or Quiznos. "What the hell is the matter with you two?" His eyes going from Elliot to Olivia then back again. After a minute without an answer from either one of them he yelled, "Hello am I talking to myself?"

Elliot cleared his throat and said, "We've just had a little disagreement."

Cragen nodded and said, "Well you better start getting along you understand?"

"Yes sir." Olivia and Elliot simultaneously said, both sounding like scolded school children

"Good, Olivia you can go, Elliot stay here." Once Olivia had left his office Cragen suddenly switched from pissed off boss to concerned father mode. "Elliot go home."

"If you send me home all I'm gonna do is lock myself in my study and put myself in a drunken stupor. But if I stay here…"

"If you stay here your ass is going to be on desk duty."

"Captain if you put me on desk duty I will work twenty-four seven on my wife's case, even if I'm not on desk duty I will be working my fucking ass off trying to find the bastard who murdered my wife!" Elliot yelled breaking down into tears.

Olivia, and the whole squad room, heard Elliot's outburst. She went back into the captain's office to see Elliot in tears, sitting in a chair. _Why had she been a bitch to him?_ She looked at Cragen who nodded and walked out. Olivia bent down in front of Elliot, between his legs. She put her hand underneath his chin and gently raised his face so that she could gaze into his mesmerizing eyes. She wiped away his tears that were falling down his face, when she did this it reminded her about the time when Elliot had done the exact same thing about three years ago when her mother had drank to much and died. Now the roles had been reversed. She had never seen him like this in the five years they had been partners, he had always been the strong one mentally but now he was weak and it was killing her.

"Elliot I am so sorry about this morning. I wasn't thinking about what you were feeling." Olivia said, stroking his face soothingly.

He looked into her chocolate brown eyes that he adored. "Don't worry about it Liv." he said, barely above a whisper.

"Please take a few weeks off Elliot, for your kids…and for me."

Elliot nodded and got up. "Could you do one thing for me?"

"Sure anything."

"Find out who Cruz's brother-in-law is and where I can find him."

"Elliot…"

"Liv please."

Olivia nodded.

"Thanks Liv." Elliot said, coming over and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

She watched him walk out, his shoulders somewhat straight. _Why the hell did I just say that I would do that?_ she shouted at herself. _What was he going to do when he does have that information? _But she did say that she would do it.

Elliot walked out to his car, feeling somewhat confused. Why did he want to know all of that? What was he going to do, kill him? _Yea that sounds pretty good _he thought, making up his mind. Did he just say that he was going to kill a man? _Oh lord forgive!_ He prayed. Wait the Lord took his wife away from him. _Oh forgive me God! _What was he going to do? _Father Joseph! Of course! _Elliot had gone to him on many occasions including when he had gotten Kathy pregnant out of wedlock. He remembered that day as if it had just happened.

_He had just gotten out of football practice. Kathy was waiting for him outside of the locker room. He smiled and went over to give her a kiss. When he pulled back he saw tears in her eyes._

"_What's the matter?"_

"_Elliot I'm pregnant." She said through her tears._

_He stared at her in shock. After a few minutes he turned and walked in the locker room. He was thankful that the guys had already left; he couldn't face anybody right now. _How the hell could he have let this happen? _He sat down on the floor. _I have plans…had plans. I wanted to go to college and play ball but now I cant because of my stupid idea I am going to be a father, me a father! God dammit! _He started crying. He wanted a future, how could he have a future when he was only eighteen fucking years old and a dad! After an hour of sitting in the locker room he finally got up and got dressed. He decided to go talk to Father Joseph. He walked out to his black '66 Ford Mustang and drove to his church. When he walked in the dipped his fingertips in the holy water and did the Sign of the Cross. He walked into the cathedral and saw the father placing Bibles in the pews. Elliot stood in the entryway looking around. There was an old man in the front praying furiously and a sister replacing flowers._

"_Mr. Stabler how can I help you?" Father Joseph asked in his gentle voice._

"_Can I talk to you in private Father?" Elliot asked, his voice trembling._

"_Of course follow me."_

_When they were in the father's office, Elliot sat down in a chair and started telling him why he was here._

"_What do I do Father?" Elliot asked when he was done explaining._

"_Do the right thing Elliot." That got a puzzled look from Elliot. "Think about it."_

"_Marry her." He said after intensely thinking._

_Father Joseph nodded. "Not just marry her but love her and the child inside of her…your child."_

_Elliot sighed. He knew it was the right thing to do not just the right thing but also the Catholic thing to do._

"_What will my parents think?" he thought out loud._

"_I'm sure they will be supportive and I know you're thinking of what your father will think more than your mother, but don't worry my boy everything will work out."_

* * *

Everything did work out even though his dad beat the living crap out of him when he found out; sure it had been tough with him in the Marines but it was money and they had needed money but Elliot had loved Kathy and their daughter with all his heart. Now half of his heart was gone…no ripped out by that son-of-a-bitch Cruz. _God I need I help _he thought. He massaged his temples then drove to his church.

ST. MARY'S CHURCH QUEENS, NEW YORK 3:30 P.M.

Elliot walked into the familiar foyer where he dipped his fingertips in the holy water and did the Sign of the Cross. He then stepped into the cathedral.

"May I help you?" A gentle voice called out.

"Uh yes Sister I'd like to talk to Father Joseph."

The sister nodded. "I'll go get him."

Elliot watched her leave and went to the front of the cathedral. He looked up at the wall-sized mural of Jesus Christ being crucified. He was suddenly aware of someone next to him.

"I recognize that face all to well Mr. Stabler." Father Joseph's gentle but quivering voice said. "I heard about Kathy, I am truly sorry Elliot."

Elliot nodded. "Father I need your help."

"Come in here." The father led him into a room. "What's on your mind my boy?"

"Father I… I want to kill the person who murdered Kathy."

Father Joseph looked down at his hands and sighed.

"I don't know if what you say is going to change my mind but I just…"

"Elliot my boy you are making a choice that will determine where you enter the Gates of St. "Peter or the Gates of Hell. Now I can't tell you what to do but you have to do what you feel is right."

Elliot nodded. He knew what the right thing was in God's eyes but he just didn't think it was right letting them get away with murdering his wife. "Thank you Father very much."

Once Elliot got out to his car he had figured out what he was going to do. All of the consequences were running through his mind, but he didn't care. All he wanted was revenge.


End file.
